Red light!

There are real traffic crimes—you know, the ones that police officers can give you tickets for—and there are traffic crimes that just annoy the crap out of the rest of us. Every morning when we drive to work, we think about how many tickets we’d hand out to people who violate our rules of road, and it would be a lot. So, to be a kindly fellow driver on the road of life, please follow our rules below, and we won’t have to give you an imaginary ticket.

That’s at least better than this:

Not Using your Blinker

Hey, we’re not mind readers. We don’t know what you’re doing until you actually do it. So, please, we’re begging you: use that blinker. There is nothing worse than sitting in traffic and having someone pull in front of you quickly, making you slam on your brakes, when it could have easily been prevented by using a turn signal. Otherwise, we may have to pull a Clive Owen.

Not Waving Thank You

Sometimes it can be difficult to merge onto oncoming traffic, and it can be a headache just to get into the lane you need. So, it’s nice when some kind stranger takes pity on you in your time of need and allows you to get ahead of them. Ah, how polite! Color us surprised then when the motorist in distress doesn’t take the 1.2 seconds required to lift his or her hand off the steering wheel and wave a simple “thank you” to their commuting hero.  That is not polite, however, and it doesn’t make us want to let people in ever again. Hmm. That sounds like a metaphor.

Stealing Someone Else’s Parking Spot

Let’s be courteous to one another, okay, folks? If someone is clearly waiting for a spot, don’t snag it and feel good about walking a fewer five feet to the door. It’s just not polite. And it’ll make us go all Towanda on your ass.

This being said…

Stalking People From the Store to Their Cars

Sure, it’s hard to find a parking spot sometimes, but stalking people as they’re walking to their cars is creepy. And furthermore, it makes the person feel obligated to move faster just to accommodate you, when, in reality, they’re doing you a favor just by leaving. So, feel free to circle around, and drive slowly in search of that perfect spot, but just don’t be a creepster about it.

Don't let your wheelchair do this

Flip-flopping Between Being a Pedestrian and a Motorist

If you’re a bicyclist, be a motorist—this means you should obey all the rules of a vehicle. You should stop at stop signs and stop lights, you should be facing the right way and you should adhere to right-of-way laws. You can’t have it both ways on that little bike. And, other thing, pedestrians, you are not a motorist. Even if you have a little motorized vehicle like a wheelchair, you are still a pedestrian and should, therefore, be on the sidewalk and not clogging up traffic. Thank you.