Car Salesman

Car salesmen—and worse yet, used car salesmen—are perhaps the smarmiest of all professions. It is there job to do—and promise—whatever possible in order to get you into a car on their lot, so it’s hard to take what they say at face value.  When shopping for some new wheels, it’s hard to not feel like you’re being played or taken advantage of—or like there are some tactics used to seal the deal. It’s almost like a frat boy who’s circling the punch bowl for any willing lady to go home with him—that’s how used these salesman make us feel…

Realtor

Very similar to a car salesman, the Realtor and apartment locator use the same tactics but on a larger scale—your home. They weasel  you into a home that is probably out of your price range or an apartment that’s maybe facing construction you may not be aware of—all in the name of a commission. Now, we’re not saying they’re all bad, but pretty much any job that forces someone to use you for a commission check is probably not a very savory one, no? Both apartment locators and Realtors tend to get very antsy and impatient, which makes it sometimes difficult to close the deal when you’re unsure about the home you’re purchasing or apartment you’re renting.

Insurance Salesman

…or pretty much anything to do with insurance. Have you seen Michael Moore’s Sicko? The insurance industry is sometimes so corrupt sounding that it makes us want to move to France and enjoy unlimited amount of sick days. Anyone who has to sell you what you think your body is worth—or determine what your insurance doesn’t cover even though you thought it would—seems almost not out to screw you over instead of helping you. That’s why this profession makes the list, they are foes disguised as friends.

IRS Auditor

Do we even need to go into specifics here, folks? Auditors make you feel bad for not keeping receipts or feel stupid for not figuring out your taxes correctly. Also, they work for The Man, so, by definition, they must be evil—but still not illegal. Being audited also feels like an intense personal violation, especially coming from someone so impersonal.

Magician

Okay, we actually really love magicians, but, at the same time, we feel so manipulated by them. We know most of their tricks are slights of hand and fast changes or whatever but anytime something cool actually happens, we still feel like we’re being tricked  big time, and it almost makes the “magic” trick not as fun or as cool.

We do have a soft spot for the Masked Magician who reveals all the secrets of magicians’ acts—it’s like he’s the Donnie Brasco of magicians!

Mechanic

Who do you trust to fix your car?

Mechanics just seem to arbitrarily come up with a price for fixing your car; it seems to take them twice as long to fix it than they originally said and if you take your car to another shop, the estimate will be wildly different. It’s like they just make the whole thing up as they go along, and it’s pretty frustrating, which is why they make it onto this list.

Paris Hilton

Just no.  Sorry, Paris, having a “career” out of being famous should be outlawed.

Be nice to your fruit

Sneezing /Coughing on Food

Okay, so you’ve got a cold. That’s fine, but please don’t sneeze or cough all over the food we might buy. Cover your mouth; get a hanky. Whatever you have to do to protect food from gathering your germs—just do it. And don’t think twice.

Not Using Tongs For Samples

Partaking in samples is all very legit. They are there for you to sample delicious things and maybe be persuaded into buying them. Fine. But, shoppers, it is not only a crime against your fellow customers but also to the grocery store and the food itself to stick your fingers into anything, especially when there are tongs right beside the container. If we could call the police on you we would.

Ducking Under the Sneeze Guard

Sneeze guards: there for a reason

This is in the same vein as the two crimes above. We do not want our food contaminated by other people. Now, this is hard with a lot of people shopping in the same place, but you can protect yourself and others by adhering to common courtesy. We’re always shocked by shoppers who duck under the sneeze guard to reach their food. If you’re getting a salad, chances are you can see clearly through the guard since it’s clear and you can probably reach underneath it a-okay. So, make sure you don’t dip your face under it. Not only is that gross, but it looks more uncomfortable than reaching under it easily.

Abusing Produce

We know you want to check your produce for the correct ripeness, but there is a difference between gently squeezing a fruit and manhandling it. See what you’re doing to that melon? That’s assault. And how about the rookies who don’t even know how to check for ripeness and just squeeze away, damaging fruit and vegetables that are perfectly usable in the process. Our avocados deserve better

Little Old Ladies Clogging Lines

We feel for the elderly, we do, but that doesn’t mean we don’t think they should get someone else to do their grocery shopping for them! For some strange reason, little old ladies always clog the checkout lines with counting out their change and rummaging through their coupons. We typically scan for the shortest line, but if we see an old lady at one, it’s on to the next.  Take your grandkid with you; he’ll speed things along.

But we certainly don’t condone running over any old ladies trying to get to the front of the line.

Asking the Baggers to Use Both Plastic and Paper

We’re fine with grocery stores that’ve banned plastic bags—environmentalists unite! And, well, we’ve been known to still get plastic bags when we plan to reuse them. But what we will never understand understand is those who insist on baggers using both plastic and paper bags to bag their groceries. Yeah, you don’t want your paper sacks to rip, but just make sure they’re not stuffed to the brink with groceries. They won’t rip. It’s  just wasteful. Where are the shopping police when you need them?

Driving Your Cart Down the Wrong Side