Banana Peels

It’s common knowledge that banana peels can cause some of the funniest slips in cinema history, but even the Mythbusters proved that banana peels are incredibly slippery. So, why not place a bunch of banana peels under your window, causing your unfortunate crook to slip about like a Three Stooges clip? Maybe he’d think twice about continuing his ill-thought journey into your home.

Glue

Much like Kevin’s adventures in Home Alone, you can try to deter your would-be burglar with a little bit of glue. Maybe it wouldn’t stop him entirely, but it would most certainly stick his shoes to the ground, preferably outside—you wouldn’t want glued shoes to your floorboards, no?

Plus it would be funny to any passersby if the following happened:

Which leads us to our next uncommon security device…

Broken Glass

Annie Lennox said it best when she sang that love’s like walking on broken glass. So, once your burglar has lost his shoes—and is still stupid enough to forge ahead with his harebrained idea to rob you—you can easily slow him down further with a layout of broken glass. This tactic would also make a very loud alarm, as you’d definitely hear the noise of glass being crunched (and probably some loud screams).  Hey, it worked for Hans Gruber in Die Hard—not that we’re rooting for the bad guy here or anything.

Note: this device might not be suitable for those with pets or small children who like to roam during the middle of the night.

Cacti

Look at how thrifty you’re being! Once your crook tumbles down the stairs, you can set a well-placed cactus to cushion his fall—on a bed of sharp needles! Not only might he have a broken bone, but now this hapless burglar will have a tushie full of cacti. We’d be incredibly shocked if he didn’t give up after this debacle.

Electricity

If this robber makes it to your bedroom door after all the pain you’ve inflicted on him—which would be a shocker—then perhaps you should, literally, shock him. Rig up your metal doorknob to electrocute the crook should he make it up the stairs. There’s no way he’d be able to open the door after the pain he’s been put through on top of some good, ol’ fashioned electricity.

Of course, you could go the traditional route—complete with alarms, monitors and even a guard dog—by why not get creative with your home security?

Too Lazy

It’s a pretty common fat that cats are lazy. They would much rather sleep in hilarious positions than actually get up and either exercise or catch foreign creatures in your home. Forget about mice, cats are fairly unlikely to even catch a bug, much less alert you to an intruder—they will be passed out asleep beside you instead of investigating a loud noise. Forget about what you’ve heard about “curiosity killing the cat.” That’s totally bogus.

Even this cat would rather sleep.

Would Rather Bathe Themselves

Even if your cat isn’t sleeping, chances are they will either be doing two other things than dissuading a burglar: eating or luxuriously bathing themselves.  Maybe if your intruder rolled around in tuna before breaking in, then you’d have an alert kitty cat. Other than that, your cat is probably bathing himself to a glistening purrfection (we couldn’t resist the pun, sorry), and then repeating tirelessly until he falls asleep while looking fabulous. Even if a burglar caught your cat in the action of bathing, nothing would dissuade him from finishing his own job. Too bad that doesn’t involve protecting you.

Cat Bathing Himself

Not Obedient

A good guard animal is one that is extremely obedient to its master. Cats refuse to accept any master, so that is pretty much thrown out the window here.  The number one trait a good guard dog must have is the ability to know who and when to bark. We don’t know if you’ve ever tried getting your cat NOT to meow. It’s insanely impossible. Cats will meow when they’re hungry, tired, happy, upset, sad, thirsty or just because they feel like it.  There’s no way even IF your cat tried to alert you to an intruder in your home that you would respond to it because you’d just be too used to that stupid cat crying for no reason at all.  Proof.  There is no way you could train them to meow at only strangers. We wish, though.

Would Rather Snuggle

Kitties are lovers, not fighters. In addition to lying around looking like kings on a throne, they also love to snuggle. They will snuggle you; they will snuggle their toys; they will snuggle each other.  This is an admirable quality in a pet companion, but when you want a ferocious animal to protect your home, snuggleability isn’t the way to go, unfortunately.  Which brings us to another point…

Cats are Just Too Cute

No robber would be able to take them seriously. Do you get a Pomeranian to be your guard dog? No, because they are just too precious for anyone to think they are menacing and scary.

They Would Rather Chase the Invisible

Cats like to chase what’s not actually there instead of killing bugs and rodents. It’s just a fact of nature. Although, it might make a burglar laugh out loud, alerting you to his presence, so, in a way, it’s not a bad tactic.

Although, apparently some cats are good at guarding museums.

Flintstones Car

A real-life Flintstones car!

We love the Flintstones’ car, but how secure is this thing? Just about anyone could hop in it, run very quickly and escape. Made of stone and animal hides, it also seems very easy to take apart. We’re not sure why the cars are so basic and foot-powered when the Flintstones use animals for every other technological advance— pterodactyl airplanes and wooly mammoth dishwashers. Why couldn’t they have a saber tooth tiger carriage or something? Plus, isn’t the point of cars to not be walking? Anyway, we don’t deem the Flintstones car secure at all, and they were lucky they never had the darn thing stolen.  Plus, it doesn’t look like it would work out well in the real world.

KITT

Hyper-intelligent crime-fighting rover, the modified Trans Am known as KITT always sounded mildly pissed with his human counter-part, Michael Knight (David Hassellhoff). In addition to the ability to see, hear and smell, KITT also came equipped with the a slew of other features:

• Computer AI -- KITT is essentially an advanced supercomputer on wheels that could think, learn, communicate and interact with humans.
• Molecular Bonded Shell -- KITT is armored with “Tri-Helical Plasteel 1000 MBS” plating which protects him from almost all forms of conventional firearms and explosive devices.
• Pyroclastic Lamination -- KITT is protected by a thermal-resistant coating that can withstand sustained temperatures of up to 800 degrees.
• Turbo Boost - This allows KITT to accelerate to incredible speeds in excess of 200 mph.
• Etymotic Equalizer -- This system allowed KITT to hear sound.
• Olfactory Sensor -- KITT can “smell” via an atmospheric sampling device mounted in his front bumper.
• Silent Mode - KITT can run silently.
• Grappling Hook and Winch -- KITT has a hidden winch and grappling hook system.
• Oil Jets/Smoke Screen -- KITT can spray an oil slick and a plume of smoke from under the rear bumper.
• Flame Thrower -- KITT has flame throwers mounted under his bumpers
• Seat Ejection System -- KITT had two front ejection seats.

And this is just a smattering of all the cool things he can do. Simply put, don’t mess with KITT.

The Batmobile

You’d have to be an idiot to try to steal this car! In its earliest incarnations, the Batmobile was mainly just armored, but in the 21^st Century, the Batmobile has become much more than a car and is rather another weapon in Batman’s arsenal.

In later comics, the Batmobile has been modified into a tank-like armored riot control vehicle, complete with machine guns, a large cannon mounted on the front and large tank treads in place of tires. According to Batman’s narration, the only thing that can penetrate its armor “isn’t from this planet.”

In recent films, the Batmobile has a pair of autocannons mounted in the nose of the car between the front wheels. Other devices include:

• Rear flaps for brake
• Front autocannons
• Rocket launcher
• Landing hook to Sprung landing stabilization
• Integrated fire-extinguishing system
• Integrated safety connection to gasoline control
• Jet engine on back of car for quick boosts/rampless jumps
• Caltrops are deployed from the rear of the vehicle. B
• Stealth mode, which turns off the car’s lights and reduces the engine sound enormously, making the car very hard to find in dark places
• atman uses this to immobilize a police vehicle following him.
• Front of car is heavily armored, so the car can crash into and destroy objects, and also protects the driver (Batman) while in the prone driving position/”Attack” mode
• Both front wheels can eject when the vehicle is damaged to form the Batpod, a bat-cycle like vehicle (the rest self-destructs).

In other words, don’t try to break in or steal this car, or you will regret it. This is perhaps the coolest car on this list. A BATPOD. We rest our case.

Wienermobile

We’re not sure how easy it would be to swipe the Wienermobile. It must have some sort of advanced security, no? But imagine how hard it would be to hide that car—it would be impossible to find a place to store it, let alone find a buyer without getting caught. We think car thieves would have to be nuts to try to jack this car.

Some history about the Wienermobile: The Oscar Mayer Wienermobile evolved from Karl Mayer’s original 1936 vehicle to current vehicles seen on the road today. Although gas rationing kept the Wienermobile off the road during World War II, in the 1950’s Oscar Mayer created several new vehicles using a Dodge chassis or a Willy’s Jeep chassis.

These Wienermobiles were piloted by “Little Oscar,” who would visit stores, schools, orphanages, children’s hospitals and participate in parades and festivals. In 1988, Oscar Mayer launched its Hotdogger program, where recent college graduates were hired to drive the Wienermobile through various parts of the nation and abroad. Using a converted Chevy van chassis, Stevens Automotive Corporation built a fleet of ten Wienermobiles for the new team of Hotdoggers. In 1995, the Wienermobile grew in size to 27-feet long and 11-feet high—that would be very difficult to maneuver, let alone pilfer.

In 2000, the big dog was given the power of a 5700 GM VORTEC engine. The most recent version of the Wienermobile, built in 2004, has been updated to include a voice activated GPS Navigational System, an audio center with a wireless microphone and a horn that plays the Wiener Jingle.

There are 6 Wienermobiles currently in existence.

1981 DeLorean

Originally an ill-fated Irish sports car in real life, in Back to the Future, the DeLorean DMC 12 was capable of breaking the laws of quantum physics. Modified with a flux capacitor and a strategically placed nuclear generator, when traveling at precisely 88 mph, the DMC 12 was capable of time-travel.

Now, if you were in a car chase with someone, or a thief wanted to carjack you, the DeLorean would be a good fit for escaping, since you could merely jump to another time once you hit 88 mph. However, the same could be said for someone who wants to steal your car. They could easily—if they know how to use it—set the date on the display and travel to another time. Although, they would need to know that this baby doesn’t run on regular fuel.  You need a nuclear reaction (which was produced by plutonium borrowed/stolen from a group of Libyan terrorists) to generate the 1.21 “gigawatts” of electricity needed. Unless the DeLorean already has its Mr. Fusion generator supplied by the future. Then any thief would be good to go. Sorry, Doc—we hope you have a great security system on that baby.

Grave Digger

The most popular truck currently running, Grave Digger is considered to be one of the most influential monster trucks of all time.

Grave Digger was originally conceived in 1982 by Dennis Anderson. This first truck was a red 1952 Ford pickup truck, which was converted to a silver and blue 1951 Ford Panel Truck. The truck received its name when its owner, amicably trash talking with his fellow racers, said the famous line, “I’ll take this old junk and dig you a grave with it.”  Anderson gained a reputation for an all-or-nothing driving style and quickly became popular at local events. At one show, a scheduled monster truck failed to show up and Anderson, who already had large tractor tires on the truck, offered to crush cars in the absence of the full-size monster. Grave Digger was an instant success as a car crusher.

In 1986 Grave Digger underwent a transformation to complete monster truck and first received its famous black graveyard paint scheme. In 1987, Anderson beat Bigfoot, which was the first major victory for Grave Digger.

With a points championship now in place, Anderson moved to Grave Digger 2 in 1989, with a new 1950 Chevy panel van body. It was during this time that the reputation for wild passes was developed, and the popularity of the truck increased.

Throughout the 1990s, the popularity of the truck grew and forced Anderson to hire other drivers to run other Grave Digger trucks.

Perhaps the most visible trademarks of Grave Digger are the red headlights which glow menacingly whenever the truck is in competition. The lights were first used when Anderson was building a transporter out of a school bus and removed the red stop lights. After realizing they would fit in the headlights of the van, he installed them and the truck has had them ever since.

It would be quite a feat to even launch yourself up into the cab of this truck if you were trying to steal it. We’d save Grave Digger is pretty safe from criminals. Maybe it could just crush those in its way.

Red light!

There are real traffic crimes—you know, the ones that police officers can give you tickets for—and there are traffic crimes that just annoy the crap out of the rest of us. Every morning when we drive to work, we think about how many tickets we’d hand out to people who violate our rules of road, and it would be a lot. So, to be a kindly fellow driver on the road of life, please follow our rules below, and we won’t have to give you an imaginary ticket.

That’s at least better than this:

Not Using your Blinker

Hey, we’re not mind readers. We don’t know what you’re doing until you actually do it. So, please, we’re begging you: use that blinker. There is nothing worse than sitting in traffic and having someone pull in front of you quickly, making you slam on your brakes, when it could have easily been prevented by using a turn signal. Otherwise, we may have to pull a Clive Owen.

Not Waving Thank You

Sometimes it can be difficult to merge onto oncoming traffic, and it can be a headache just to get into the lane you need. So, it’s nice when some kind stranger takes pity on you in your time of need and allows you to get ahead of them. Ah, how polite! Color us surprised then when the motorist in distress doesn’t take the 1.2 seconds required to lift his or her hand off the steering wheel and wave a simple “thank you” to their commuting hero.  That is not polite, however, and it doesn’t make us want to let people in ever again. Hmm. That sounds like a metaphor.

Stealing Someone Else’s Parking Spot

Let’s be courteous to one another, okay, folks? If someone is clearly waiting for a spot, don’t snag it and feel good about walking a fewer five feet to the door. It’s just not polite. And it’ll make us go all Towanda on your ass.

This being said…

Stalking People From the Store to Their Cars

Sure, it’s hard to find a parking spot sometimes, but stalking people as they’re walking to their cars is creepy. And furthermore, it makes the person feel obligated to move faster just to accommodate you, when, in reality, they’re doing you a favor just by leaving. So, feel free to circle around, and drive slowly in search of that perfect spot, but just don’t be a creepster about it.

Don't let your wheelchair do this

Flip-flopping Between Being a Pedestrian and a Motorist

If you’re a bicyclist, be a motorist—this means you should obey all the rules of a vehicle. You should stop at stop signs and stop lights, you should be facing the right way and you should adhere to right-of-way laws. You can’t have it both ways on that little bike. And, other thing, pedestrians, you are not a motorist. Even if you have a little motorized vehicle like a wheelchair, you are still a pedestrian and should, therefore, be on the sidewalk and not clogging up traffic. Thank you.

Happily ever after in Plasticland

There are certain things that can be huge crimes against your spouse and your marriage. But what are the different levels of criminal acts you can commit and what are the penalties?

Misdemeanors

Women: Asking Your Husband to be Honest and Not Meaning It

Not a huge offense but annoying to men nonetheless, this little habit involves women asking for an opinion, demanding honesty, then getting upset when the honest answer isn’t the reaction they were looking for.

Example: “Honey, how do you feel about my mother? Be honest.” Response: “She’s a little insane.” Cue emotional outburst.

Really, women want men to be honest, but hearing the truth is sometimes painful. Maybe a little bending of the truth could be in order.

Fine: None. The husbands will just feel bad anyway. You might be able to weasel out some dish washing.

Men: Not Lowering the Toilet Seat

Okay, so it IS a big deal, fellas. Women can fall in if they aren’t paying attention to the seat, and that’s just plain gross.

Fine: See above. Some dish washing or taking out the trash might be in order.

Felonies

Women: Turning the Football Game Off

Football season may seem lengthy—it is—but there is no reason to turn off the big (or little) game unless someone has died or you need to go to the hospital. Men take this sport very seriously for some reason. They even join these things called fantasy leagues and compete over who knows football better. You might want to think twice before grabbing for the remote.

Fine: You will be sentenced to watch some Ultimate Fighter bouts. You really brought it upon yourself.

Men: Pausing Before Answering THE Question

We think you know what question we’re referring to. THE question. It can be asked in many different ways, but it all boils down the same: “Do I look fat?” You know you have to lie if the answer is indeed yes, but taking any sort of pause, no matter how insignificant to you, can be brutal. Don’t even look at her. Just answer quickly and follow it up with a brilliant compliment. Do not mention any of the following adjectives: thick, meaty, solid, likes to eat, bony, junk in ‘da trunk, badonkadonk, curvy, etc. Also, do not spout about society and their love of “skinny” women. This is also a trap.

Fine: You will have to buy her flowers, at least, if not copious amounts of  jewelry.

High Treason

Women: Letting Your Mother Move In

Ladies, it’s an undisputed fact that most husbands loathe their mothers-in-law—it’s even part of a Southwest Airlines commercial. We cannot explain it. It’s not rational in the slightest bit. They love their own moms and will defend her ’til their dying breaths, but your mom is totally fair game to them. Unless your mom is about to kick the bucket or is in a wheel chair, then maybe this is a forgivable offense, but, most likely, your husband does not want your mother visiting longer than a weekend, let alone move in with you.

Fine: We don’t want to talk divorce or anything, but chances might be likely.

Men: Saying Nice Things About Your Ex and/or Checking Out Your Wife’s Friends

These go in the same boat—basically either one is an act of high treason in your wife’s eyes. You are betraying her in so many ways.  Firstly, if you say nice things about your ex—her personality or her physical appearance—this is essentially telling your wife she’s not as good as your ex was. It doesn’t have to make sense, dudes. This is a fact. Forget the rule “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.”

Secondly, your wife’s friends are not attractive. It is important you like them (or merely tolerate their existence), but you do not check them out or comment on their physical attractiveness. Think of them like sisters.

Fine: Okay, so maybe divorce isn’t imminent, but these acts of treason will not easily be forgiven or forgotten. Jewelry is required.

Which leads me to wonder, “If Tim Gunn really was a super hero, which heinous past fashion crimes would he most want to change?”

Fanny Packs

Fanny pack for the wallet, in this case

Fanny packs made it acceptable for men to have a purse of their own—this was way before the murse became slightly socially okay. But, first of all, who wants to wear something that has the word “fanny” in it? And why would anyone want to put essentially a gigantic belt on the fattest part of their body? FAIL.

Stirrup Pants

The backpack's on our honorable mention list

What are these used for—in case your pants don’t stay down?! Not only no they not  make sense, they’re uncomfortable—those I’ve tried on—and insanely unflattering.

Shoulder Pads

We don’t get these either. Who would want to make their shoulders larger? We can only surmise that high-powered business women in the ‘80s wanted to look as large as their male counterparts. Good thing these died with Dynasty.

Crocs

Orange shoes to match the beard!

Unless you are Mario Batali and can whip up something amazing with truffles and Parmesan cheese, or are a cute, small child, Crocs are completely banned from your clothing vernacular. Tim Gunn would be ashamed.

Super Low Rise Jeans

Ed. Note: We don't think this trend was so bad

You remember when Britney and Xtina were duking it out for world dominance? They were also wrestling over who could wear her jeans lower. We’re not quite sure who actually won, but we were all the losers as the term “coin slot” entered our lexicon.

Trends in 2009 that would make even Tim Gunn shudder:

Harem Pants

Hammertime!

They didn’t look cool on MC Hammer or women who were actually enslaved in harems. Don’t let Urban Outfitter’s fool you into thinking these are fashionable.

Deep V-Necks

Coming to a Grizzly Bear show near you

This 2008 hipster trend is still holding strong, but sorry. We don’t want that much chest hair, dudes.

Headbands over the Forehead

Popular among young celebrities past their prime

Again, another hipster trend just now making its way to the tween crowd. Headbands don’t really function properly if they actually mush your hair into your face. They’re supposed to do the opposite.