Night Court

Sneakers with a judge's robe? So wacky!

While not technically a drama, per se – well, unless you count the romantic drama going on between Harry (Harry Anderson) and Christine (Markie Post) – Night Court gave us insight into a type of courtroom rarely seen, the night court, of course, which is full of eccentric and wacky characters.

The show centered on Judge Harry and his unorthodox ways presiding over a Manhattan night court. In an early review of the show, Time magazine called Night Court, with its emphasis on non-glamorous, non-violent petty crime, the most realistic law show on the air, so it has to be on this list if only for its realistic portrayal of the justice system during the time we’re all at home in our beds.

Plus, extra props for the addition of Bull, the huge but gentle bailiff, and John Larroquette as the sleazy and narcissistic prosecutor.

Law and Order

Buh buh.

We don’t mean Law and Order: Whatever Spinoff NBC Has Thought Up Now. We mean the original Law and Order. You know, the one with Sam Waterson. This show makes our list not only because of its catchy “buh buh” noise but also because its prevalence for taking real life cases and turning it into compelling TV.

You got your law, that’s the courtroom drama, and your order, that’s the police detecting. It’s a pretty simple equation that has lasted for almost 20 years. That’s pretty impressive. Also, we like that we get to learn about the justice system so deeply—it’s almost like a backstage pass into the judge’s chambers.

The best part of the show is that every episode is neatly wrapped up. There’s no ongoing, agonizing investigation and a long, drawn-out trial. It’s so cut and dry. It’s very satisfying. We can watch entire marathons of this show—of any season.

You know you have a good show on your hands, when Sesame Street mocks it.

Matlock

Who can’t help but love Andy Griffith?

Matlock was a renowned, popular yet cantankerous defense attorney. He solved and won at trial almost every case he had taken, especially murder cases where everyone else was sure his client was guilty. Usually, at the end of the episode, the person who is sitting on the stand being questioned by Matlock is the actual killer and there is some very emotional dramatic speech.

It was so riveting, and we always tried to see if we could solve the murder before Matlock did. (We never did.) Plus, Matlock had a penchant for hot dogs, which always made us smile, no matter how stingy he was.

Perry Mason

The original TV lawyer

But before Matlock there was Perry Mason, who was, perhaps, one of the first popular lawyers on American television with his show in the ‘50s. Played by Raymond Burr, Perry Mason, was, at the time television’s most successful and longest-running lawyer series. It has set the standards for every lawyer show to come since.

Much like Matlock, each episode’s plot was essentially the same: the first half of the show usually depicted the prospective murder victim as being deserving of homicide, often with Perry’s client publicly threatening to kill the victim; the body is found surrounded by clues pointing to Perry’s client. Perry’s client is charged with murder, but Perry establishes his client’s innocence by dramatically demonstrating the guilt of another character. The murderer nearly always broke down and confesses to the crime in the courtroom.

Our favorite parts of Perry Mason would be the ridiculous camera zooms on the actually guilty characters, who would make sour faces and visibly squirm in their seats. How would they ever evade Perry Mason if they made these awful faces?

Ally McBeal

Why is your skirt so short?

Although maybe known for the downfall of feminism and the trend of inappropriate, short skirts in the workplace (and also, that awful dancing baby), Ally McBeal also had incredibly unique cases and trials (and relentlessly quirky lawyers) that no other show before had ever featured.  Okay, fine the unisex bathroom sticks out in our minds too.

But often merely a catalyst for the main characters’ action—a divorce trial leading to Ally’s own breakup—the trials were as memorable as the weird characters. There was the trial about customers who sue a restaurant because they were served horse meat. Another trial featured a nun who was run out of her nunnery for breaking her vow of celibacy. A little boy who sues God. Ally McBeal was like the Grey’s Anatomy of its time—a show centered around a semi-obnoxious skinny chick we still rooted for and the weird and unusual cases she must win. We were upset because it never got the send off it deserved—that, and Robert Downey Jr. being forced out of his contract because of drug abuse. His duet with Sting was incredible. Oh, yeah, remember that piano bar they visited every episode? Wow, Ally McBeal was really about a lot more than law…

And if you’re guilty of any of the following, Ann Richards might have to rise from the dead and take your ass out.

Loud talkers/obnoxious laughs/stage whispers

An audible whisper is the same as talking, so go ahead and ask your friend whatever you were asking. Along with ringing cell phones, this is the No. 1 most offensive crimes to perpetrate at the theater. Nothing you ask or say to your friend is going to be as interesting or funny as the movie, so don’t even bother. We especially hate the bad audience members who keep asking what other movies a particular actor or actress has been in. Mom, we’re talking to you!

Line repeaters

This is in a separate category from just talking loudly because it is four times more obnoxious than merely talking loudly. We’re talking about the guy who will laugh at a line in the movie and then repeat said line to his companion. We get the joke, buddy, we’re watching the same exact movie here. We hate sitting next to one of these criminals.

Texting during the movie

We all know that talking on our cell phones is a big no-no during the movie, but even remotely pulling your phone out is unacceptable. The blinding white light of your cell phone really detracts from what’s happening on the screen. This category means that you cannot text or even check your phone during the flick. We make exceptions for doctors—you’re allowed to at least check that thing.

This category also applies to movie critics with the clicky light pen. You don’t need those to take notes. You can see the notebook perfectly fine. Not only is the light annoying, but that little “click click” is pretty awful too. Thank you.

Having an offensive odor

Besides sitting next to a loud talker or line repeater, this is one of the worst offenses. If you smell bad, don’t sit next to someone. We’re not just talking B.O., folks. We mean anyone who smokes a lot, chooses not to wear deodorant or anyone who’s eaten anything stinky in a while. Have a friend sniff test you to see how offensive you are just to make sure.

Showing up late and asking us to move

We are very punctual movie goers. We love watching the previews; we stake out the perfect seat—which we’re told is three quarters of the way back, directly in the middle for optimum sound and audio; we hit up the bathroom; we keep our seats warm. It’s an exact science by now. So, nothing is more off putting then when moseying latecomers barge into the theater, eye the seats to the left and the right of us and not-so-politely ask us to shift. Sure, we’ll move—we don’t want to look like the villains, after all—but we don’t like it one bit, and we’ll certainly not make eye contact with you. Do us a favor and show up early. You have been warned.

Eating loudly

Popcorn is a fairly quiet snack. A pickle is not. We love pickles at the movies, yet even we know how loudly they can be when you’re eating them in a theater, so we’ve honed a perfected pickle eating method, which consists of very little loud chomping. We also tend to take bites during loud scenes and avoid chewing during quiet and/or romantic scenes. Please pay us the same courtesy.

Also, if you’re going to sneak food in, the No. 1 thing to NEVER EVER bring into a theater is an apple. We kid you not, we sat next to someone who brought an apple into a movie and ate it during some very quiet scenes. A pickle may require some loud chewing, but it has nothing on how loud an apple can be.

Karate Kid Villain!

No crime can be committed without a bad guy perpetrating it. But who are the top baddest movie criminals of all time? Read below to see the bad guys who made us almost wet ourselves. We ruled out scary aliens and animals (i.e. Godzilla) who are simply misunderstood creatures and not pure evil like the dudes on this list.

Wicked Witch of the West, The Wizard of Oz

This was one of the first villains we encountered as a kid, and even if the Witch doesn’t do THAT many terrible things, she really did scare the crap out of us. She was green, she flew and she wanted to get Dorothy’s little dog too! We mean, who wants to do harm to a little dog?! Only the worst and scariest villains, that’s who. Also, she straight up drugs Dorothy Gale from Kansas and her friends, which just isn’t cool. Plus, she has to melt to die. That’s wicked intense. And then all of Munchkin Land creates a happy little song to mark her death as a celebration. You gotta be insanely mean for people to cheer your death.

T-1000, Terminator 2: Judgment Day

As if Arnold Schwarzenegger isn’t scary enough in the original Terminator flick, Robert Patrick takes the new breed of robot assassins up a whole other level. He runs crazy fast; he can melt and reform into anything he wants; he speaks very scarily. He’s totally one bad dude.  And he just will not give up and die.

Lord Voldemort, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire and Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Um…he has the face of a snake! Voldemort is incredibly scary. In the first couple of flicks, we only hear of the evil things He Who Shall Not Be Named does. He does the Unspeakable Curses. He kills people. He gets other people to kill. He is one bad dude who has extraordinary powers. You don’t want to mess with him or his cohorts. So when Voldemort actually appears in The Goblet of Fire, the anticipation is very built up—and we’re not disappointed. He kills Harry’s fellow Quidditch teammate and is intensely terrifying.  See below for proof.

Jack Torrance, The Shining

While Jack doesn’t start off bad, he slowly becomes evil due to the creepy and supernatural powers of the haunted Overlook Hotel.  The ghosts of the hotel convince him he must kill his (slightly creepy) son and wife, so, of course, he tries to. Cue scary chase scene with an axe. It doesn’t help that Jack Nicholson is super creepy in his own right, so when you combine his creepiness with the evil of his character and the scariness of Stephen King, you get a trifecta of terrifying.

Cruella de Vil, 101 Dalmatians

Again, any villain that wants to harm animals is just not okay in our book! Even her name implies evilness. From her hair, to her crazy eyes and down to her fur coat, she not only terrifies small children but even adults. She’s not a very subtle villain, mind you, as she goes full on whacked out by the end, but we can’t help still being scared by her badness.

Darth Vader, Star Wars

Don't mess with Darth

Perhaps one of the most misunderstood villains in cinema history, Darth Vader is still quite terrifying. He can kill people without even touching them! And when he kills Obi Wan in A New Hope, we couldn’t help but shudder from his evil as a kid. It doesn’t help that the voice is booming and he’s dressed in head-to-toe black vinyl. Maybe he became evil because he was so aggravated from sweating profusely in that getup? No matter, it was the greatest insult to Luke when he found out Vader was his poppa. And then he cut off his hand. Cold, dude, very cold.

Hannibal Lecter, Silence of the Lambs

Hungry, Hannibal?

Lecter is probably one of the bad guys you actually root for, in a weird way. He’s so mild mannered and polite—you know, before eating people—that he doesn’t seem that scary, especially compared to wacko Buffalo Bill. That is, until he overpowers a couple of guards in his cell and escapes, stringing one man up in his cell—leading us to believe that Lecter has some sort of super human strength. Also, the whole face thing was way disturbing.

Hans Gruber, Die Hard

Why are the Germans always the bad dudes?

Not only does Gruber have a scary accent, but he’s a thief, a terrorist and a cold-blooded killer.  Need we say more?

The Joker, The Dark Knight

While Jack Nicholson portrayed a fun and wild Joker in the original Batman, Heath Ledger’s Joker was unpredictable and uncontrollable. He did evil things just to mess with the good folks of Gotham, not to gain fortune, but just to be a menace. Is there anything scarier than someone who does things without reason? Throw in his offbeat outfits and sloppy makeup and the Joker could scare anyone. And, who can forget his pencil disappearing trick?

John Doe, Se7en

Scariest.Dude.Ever.

The scariest of all villains, however, would have to be John Doe in Se7en (played by Kevin Spacey). This dude shaves his fingertips down to not have fingerprints! How terrifying is that? This movie is one of the most frightening movies of all time, with all the murders of a serial killer coordinating with the seven deadly sins. What’s creepy about Doe is that nothing is known about him—there is no evidence in his apartment regarding his identity whatsoever. And there is no explanation for his crimes—he is just disgusted by the world. Who can’t be emotionally scarred by the ending?

Littering and...?

Super Troopers

These Vermont state troopers aren’t just dumb, they’re downright silly. They have syrup-chugging contests for breakfast and mess with motorists with the word “meow.” The team’s needless pranking of their new recruit and radio dispatcher must take a back seat when they must solve a murder, bust a drug-smuggling ring and avoid having their post eliminated by the state’s impending budget cut.  The troopers also have an ongoing feud with city police officers, which typically results in all-out fistfights between the two squads. Do the Super Troopers just play dumb or are there real methods to their madness? Well…they are pretty stupid.

Paul Blart

Does it count if the character is a mall cop instead of a real cop? Why not? Blart fails his New Jersey police officer training due to his severe hypoglycemia, which makes him react very strongly to food and act all-out stupid on multiple occasions. Being a mall cop, Blart uses a Segway to get to his job each day, and even gets chased by small dogs. How quaint. When a mall robbery occurs, Blart must save the day  by rescuing hostages and keeping the loot from getting stolen. Cue some fat man running jokes and some mis-timed heroic rescue attempts, and Blart still manages to save the day…somehow. However, his character is so jolly and likeable that it makes up for his horrible policing.

Start humming the "Pink Panther" tune

Inspector Clouseau

The original bumbling idiot detective is still the top of the dumb cop list—and we mean the Peter Sellers version. Sorry, Steve Martin. Clouseau always managed to get his man by accidentally solving the crime and creating some hijinks in the process. Who could forget when he gets his hand caught in a knight’s armor? Whew. Funny stuff. Whereas most of these dumb cops might just infuriate audiences with their stupidity, Clouseau always makes us laugh while he’s sleuthing. Perhaps it was all an act?

Hot Fuzz

While not a traditional dumb-cop movie, Hot Fuzz takes a really good cop (Simon Pegg) and partners him up with an action-starved cop (Nick Frost) in a peaceful town in rural England. There, Pegg’s character finds crime in the strangest of places—confiscating a sea mine and searching for a lost swan—until he eventually suspects a string of accidental deaths are really murders. Ultimately the climax of the film takes place in a blaze of glory as Pegg and Frost, whose love of action films clouds his greater judgment, take on the bad guys with more guns than has ever been seen in film history.

Naked Gun

But perhaps no other dumb cop movie in history could compete with the Naked Gun series. Starring Leslie Nielsen (and sometimes O.J. Simpson), these flicks revolve around ridiculous kidnapping and murder plots that Detective Frank Drebin somehow manages to solve in ludicrous fashions. This series practically started the spoof films of the ‘80s and ‘90s and took cues from serious plots but turned them on their head with over-the-top slapstick comedy—mostly with Nielsen performing some wacky stunt, usually taking place in pathetic “undercover” disguises.

Danny Ocean, reason enough to love the bad guy

Movies have an innate knack for making us feel for the lead character, even if he or she is undeniably evil. In this trait, crime capers typically make the audience root for the crooks and thieves, especially if they are led by the likes of George Clooney.  But what are our favorite crime capers of all time? Check it out.

Bandits

Bandits is a 2001 film starring Bruce Willis and Billy Bob Thornton. The two friends and convicts break out of prison in a cement truck and start a bank robbing spree. They become known as the “Sleepover Bandits” because of their unique bank robbing style: they kidnap the manager of a target bank the night before a planned robbery, then spend the night with the manager’s family. Early the next morning, they accompany the manager to the bank to get their money. Their exploits eventually land them on the FBI’s Most Wanted list.

Bandits is awesome not only because of the genius of the robbers’ methods but also because of the chemistry between the leading men is exceptional. You spend much of the movie trying to figure out how the two crooks can end up happily ever after—and the climax is pretty cool and unexpected. Also, this movie features Cate Blanchett and a gut-wrenching rendition of “I Need a Hero.”

Thomas Crown Affair

Sure, Steve McQueen and Faye Dunaway are pretty sexy, but the remake starring Pierce Brosnan and Rene Russo holds a soft spot in our hearts. Thomas Crown is an adventurous businessman who loves a good challenge. Among other diversions, he crashes an expensive sailing catamaran while racing and bets one hundred thousand dollars on a golf swing simply because “it’s a beautiful Saturday morning,” and there is not much else to do. Crown steals a painting by Monet valued at $100 million. An insurance investigator (Russo) is sent to assist the police in solving the crime. From the beginning, Banning suspects Crown is behind the theft. The elaborate game of cat-and-mouse that ensues gives Crown exactly what he was seeking: “a worthy adversary.”

Not only is the final heist pretty awesome — involving several bowler hats, no less (only watch if you want to be spoiled) – but the game that ensues between Brosnan and Russo is incredibly fun.

Hudson Hawk

Another great crime flick starring Bruce Willis. Right off the heels of his success on Moonlighting, Willis wrote himself a little crime caper that lives on in cult classic infamy.  Hudson Hawk, a master burglar and safe-cracker, is released from prison on parole and is immediately blackmailed into doing several dangerous art heists. The company who blackmails him is seeking to take over the world by reconstructing “La Macchina dell’Oro“, a machine purportedly invented by Leonardo da Vinci which converts lead into gold. In order for the machine to work, special crystals from da Vinci’s paintings must be collected. That is, Hudson Hawk must steal them. Hilarity and mayhem ensue.

This film bombed when it was released in 1991, but the mixture of crime, song and dance and slapstick humor make this film live on as a crime caper classic in our eyes.

The Great Muppet Caper

It has “caper” right in the title! How could we NOT include it on this list? While not a traditional caper flick, this little muppet movie does involve a jewel heist, although it’s probably more famous for the Miss Piggy/Kermit bike ride than its burglary.

Kermit, Gonzo and Fozzie play reporters who investigate the theft of fashion designer Lady Holliday’s jewels. They mistake her assistant, Miss Piggy, as the designer and Kermit falls in love with her. The designer’s brother (played by Charles Grodin!) steals more jewels and frames Miss Piggy for the theft before proceeding to steal an even more valuable prize—the coveted Baseball Diamond, which is on display at the Mallory Gallery. Kermit’s crew has no choice but to intercept and catch the thieves in order to clear Miss Piggy’s good name.

Uh, it’s the muppets—what’s not to love?

Ocean’s 11

Again, another remake we like better than the original—sorry Ol’ Blue Eyes. In the 2001 version, charming George Clooney stars as Danny Ocean, a recently paroled thief, who decides to head to Las Vegas with a new crew with one mission in mind: to get back his lady love and rob from her casino-owner boyfriend. Okay, that’s two missions. Whatever.

The heist in this flick is so elaborate and well-planned out that it’s thoroughly impressive. We love when the ending even allows for the audience to be surprised, and this one definitely delivers. Plus, throw in Brad Pitt, Don Cheadle, Julia Roberts and Bernie Mac, and we’re sold.

A Fish Called Wanda

Hands down, best crime heist movie. Okay, so we might be biased by our love of Kevin Kline and the Monty Python folks, but A Fish Called Wanda is not only clever, witty and even a bit weird, but it’s one of the few movies that focus on what happens AFTER the heist.

Kline and Jamie Lee Curtis are lovers who betray their boss after a jewel heist, intending to take all the loot for themselves, but they discover that the loot has been moved to a new location.  In order to find the location, Wanda (Curtis) seduces the boss’s defense lawyer (John Cleese). Because of her crazy boyfriend’s interferences and other incidences of bad luck, Wanda and Archie’s liaisons go disastrously wrong. Cue confusion and slapstick comedy, and you’ve got comic crime caper genius.