Careers That Should Be Illegal

2009 August 31

We already told you about the crimes committed in the grocery store, on the highway and in your marriage that aren’t exactly punishable with jail time or fines—although they should be—but there are definitely professions that are technically legal but seem one step away from being criminal. Read below for our take on smarmy—but legit—careers.

Car Salesman

Car salesmen—and worse yet, used car salesmen—are perhaps the smarmiest of all professions. It is there job to do—and promise—whatever possible in order to get you into a car on their lot, so it’s hard to take what they say at face value.  When shopping for some new wheels, it’s hard to not feel like you’re being played or taken advantage of—or like there are some tactics used to seal the deal. It’s almost like a frat boy who’s circling the punch bowl for any willing lady to go home with him—that’s how used these salesman make us feel…


Very similar to a car salesman, the Realtor and apartment locator use the same tactics but on a larger scale—your home. They weasel  you into a home that is probably out of your price range or an apartment that’s maybe facing construction you may not be aware of—all in the name of a commission. Now, we’re not saying they’re all bad, but pretty much any job that forces someone to use you for a commission check is probably not a very savory one, no? Both apartment locators and Realtors tend to get very antsy and impatient, which makes it sometimes difficult to close the deal when you’re unsure about the home you’re purchasing or apartment you’re renting.

Insurance Salesman

…or pretty much anything to do with insurance. Have you seen Michael Moore’s Sicko? The insurance industry is sometimes so corrupt sounding that it makes us want to move to France and enjoy unlimited amount of sick days. Anyone who has to sell you what you think your body is worth—or determine what your insurance doesn’t cover even though you thought it would—seems almost not out to screw you over instead of helping you. That’s why this profession makes the list, they are foes disguised as friends.

IRS Auditor

Do we even need to go into specifics here, folks? Auditors make you feel bad for not keeping receipts or feel stupid for not figuring out your taxes correctly. Also, they work for The Man, so, by definition, they must be evil—but still not illegal. Being audited also feels like an intense personal violation, especially coming from someone so impersonal.


Okay, we actually really love magicians, but, at the same time, we feel so manipulated by them. We know most of their tricks are slights of hand and fast changes or whatever but anytime something cool actually happens, we still feel like we’re being tricked  big time, and it almost makes the “magic” trick not as fun or as cool.

We do have a soft spot for the Masked Magician who reveals all the secrets of magicians’ acts—it’s like he’s the Donnie Brasco of magicians!


Who do you trust to fix your car?

Mechanics just seem to arbitrarily come up with a price for fixing your car; it seems to take them twice as long to fix it than they originally said and if you take your car to another shop, the estimate will be wildly different. It’s like they just make the whole thing up as they go along, and it’s pretty frustrating, which is why they make it onto this list.

Paris Hilton

Just no.  Sorry, Paris, having a “career” out of being famous should be outlawed.

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