The Crimes Against Marriage

2009 July 28

Happily ever after in Plasticland

There are certain things that can be huge crimes against your spouse and your marriage. But what are the different levels of criminal acts you can commit and what are the penalties?

Misdemeanors

Women: Asking Your Husband to be Honest and Not Meaning It

Not a huge offense but annoying to men nonetheless, this little habit involves women asking for an opinion, demanding honesty, then getting upset when the honest answer isn’t the reaction they were looking for.

Example: “Honey, how do you feel about my mother? Be honest.” Response: “She’s a little insane.” Cue emotional outburst.

Really, women want men to be honest, but hearing the truth is sometimes painful. Maybe a little bending of the truth could be in order.

Fine: None. The husbands will just feel bad anyway. You might be able to weasel out some dish washing.

Men: Not Lowering the Toilet Seat

Okay, so it IS a big deal, fellas. Women can fall in if they aren’t paying attention to the seat, and that’s just plain gross.

Fine: See above. Some dish washing or taking out the trash might be in order.

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Felonies

Women: Turning the Football Game Off

Football season may seem lengthy—it is—but there is no reason to turn off the big (or little) game unless someone has died or you need to go to the hospital. Men take this sport very seriously for some reason. They even join these things called fantasy leagues and compete over who knows football better. You might want to think twice before grabbing for the remote.

Fine: You will be sentenced to watch some Ultimate Fighter bouts. You really brought it upon yourself.

Men: Pausing Before Answering THE Question



We think you know what question we’re referring to. THE question. It can be asked in many different ways, but it all boils down the same: “Do I look fat?” You know you have to lie if the answer is indeed yes, but taking any sort of pause, no matter how insignificant to you, can be brutal. Don’t even look at her. Just answer quickly and follow it up with a brilliant compliment. Do not mention any of the following adjectives: thick, meaty, solid, likes to eat, bony, junk in ‘da trunk, badonkadonk, curvy, etc. Also, do not spout about society and their love of “skinny” women. This is also a trap.

Fine: You will have to buy her flowers, at least, if not copious amounts of  jewelry.

High Treason

Women: Letting Your Mother Move In

Ladies, it’s an undisputed fact that most husbands loathe their mothers-in-law—it’s even part of a Southwest Airlines commercial. We cannot explain it. It’s not rational in the slightest bit. They love their own moms and will defend her ’til their dying breaths, but your mom is totally fair game to them. Unless your mom is about to kick the bucket or is in a wheel chair, then maybe this is a forgivable offense, but, most likely, your husband does not want your mother visiting longer than a weekend, let alone move in with you.

Fine: We don’t want to talk divorce or anything, but chances might be likely.

Men: Saying Nice Things About Your Ex and/or Checking Out Your Wife’s Friends

These go in the same boat—basically either one is an act of high treason in your wife’s eyes. You are betraying her in so many ways.  Firstly, if you say nice things about your ex—her personality or her physical appearance—this is essentially telling your wife she’s not as good as your ex was. It doesn’t have to make sense, dudes. This is a fact. Forget the rule “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.”

Secondly, your wife’s friends are not attractive. It is important you like them (or merely tolerate their existence), but you do not check them out or comment on their physical attractiveness. Think of them like sisters.

Fine: Okay, so maybe divorce isn’t imminent, but these acts of treason will not easily be forgiven or forgotten. Jewelry is required.

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