Why Cats Make Terrible Guard Animals

2009 September 8

Although “everybody wants to be a cat,” let’s face it, they would make pretty terrible guard animals. We’re not gonna add fuel to the fire of the whole dogs vs. cats battle because we’re under the assumption that cats rule, but even we’d have to admit that cats could not guard our home efficiently. Even though they’re incredibly loveable, cats do not possess the certain je ne sais quoi dogs have that make them excellent guards. Here’s what makes them so darn awful at protecting your home.

Too Lazy

It’s a pretty common fat that cats are lazy. They would much rather sleep in hilarious positions than actually get up and either exercise or catch foreign creatures in your home. Forget about mice, cats are fairly unlikely to even catch a bug, much less alert you to an intruder—they will be passed out asleep beside you instead of investigating a loud noise. Forget about what you’ve heard about “curiosity killing the cat.” That’s totally bogus.

Even this cat would rather sleep.

Would Rather Bathe Themselves

Even if your cat isn’t sleeping, chances are they will either be doing two other things than dissuading a burglar: eating or luxuriously bathing themselves.  Maybe if your intruder rolled around in tuna before breaking in, then you’d have an alert kitty cat. Other than that, your cat is probably bathing himself to a glistening purrfection (we couldn’t resist the pun, sorry), and then repeating tirelessly until he falls asleep while looking fabulous. Even if a burglar caught your cat in the action of bathing, nothing would dissuade him from finishing his own job. Too bad that doesn’t involve protecting you.

Cat Bathing Himself

Not Obedient

A good guard animal is one that is extremely obedient to its master. Cats refuse to accept any master, so that is pretty much thrown out the window here.  The number one trait a good guard dog must have is the ability to know who and when to bark. We don’t know if you’ve ever tried getting your cat NOT to meow. It’s insanely impossible. Cats will meow when they’re hungry, tired, happy, upset, sad, thirsty or just because they feel like it.  There’s no way even IF your cat tried to alert you to an intruder in your home that you would respond to it because you’d just be too used to that stupid cat crying for no reason at all.  Proof.  There is no way you could train them to meow at only strangers. We wish, though.

Would Rather Snuggle

Kitties are lovers, not fighters. In addition to lying around looking like kings on a throne, they also love to snuggle. They will snuggle you; they will snuggle their toys; they will snuggle each other.  This is an admirable quality in a pet companion, but when you want a ferocious animal to protect your home, snuggleability isn’t the way to go, unfortunately.  Which brings us to another point…

Cats are Just Too Cute

No robber would be able to take them seriously. Do you get a Pomeranian to be your guard dog? No, because they are just too precious for anyone to think they are menacing and scary.

They Would Rather Chase the Invisible

Cats like to chase what’s not actually there instead of killing bugs and rodents. It’s just a fact of nature. Although, it might make a burglar laugh out loud, alerting you to his presence, so, in a way, it’s not a bad tactic.

Although, apparently some cats are good at guarding museums.

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